The Narrow Way

“If only I…,” “If I didn’t have to…,” “Once X, Y, and Z are done, THEN….

Sound familiar? You could skip this whole post if you’re just willing to come to terms with one truth right now: The Grass IS NOT Greener on the Other Side.

I think back to the Garden. In the book of Genesis, God placed Adam and Eve in a perfect garden. He provided all they needed and walked among them daily. Daily they could openly commune with God, they literally lacked nothing. There was just one thing: they were not to eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

But maybe everything wasn’t perfect? Perhaps God was withholding? Eve began to question if she was missing out. After some clever words from Satan, she became convinced she should partake of the fruit of the tree. “It must be better to be like God,” she might have reasoned. It would be better than it is now, no doubt. 🤔And she took of the tree, and brought all of humanity with her.

We all have ideas of what our perfect life would be. It might look very different from your current life, or it may just be a few things you can’t seem to get to line up. “One thing is for sure,” we think, “when X happens, THEN Ill be happy/life will be satisfying/good.”

I remember my early 20s, while I can honestly say I was pretty satisfied serving God as a missionary abroad and later as one in the work force; I thought a husband would make life better. And while my husband has made life better, it’s not been without struggles. Marriage takes work and commitment! You don’t get married and suddenly have all of your problems disappear, if anything, for a time, they multiply 😳🤣

Once married, it took nearly 5 years to get pregnant. During that time, I was convinced that everything would be ok if we could only add one tiny human to our life…If only God would do it….If I could just make it through the chronic physical and emotional pain of endometriosis, then…

We lived in the city and would take walks with our then dog Bruiser, wondering if God would ever lead us to our country home we longed for. Surely when we get there, then…

We learned to wait on Him and not force things. In fact, the only thing we forced was thankfulness and praise. This is not to say we didn’t have off times, we did, but I will say that more than once I’ve thanked and worshipped God with tears streaming down my cheeks. We endured the wait and the unknowns by grace and faith.

I distinctly remember some of my walks with God, even before being married. I felt like God would ask me “what if I gave you everything you wanted?” Each time I would pause and think, and each time my answer was the same “God, I would still praise you,” I would say with resolve. His questioning didn’t change as time went on, neither did my reply. I feel like God was positioning us during those years. He was testing our hearts and our stewardship, to see what our response would be. If we would be faithful with little, He would trust us with much… (Mat 25:23).

So, despite the temptation, I refused to sit around miserable believing that all of my discontent would be relieved if/when He satisfied my desires. I decided early on that I would praise God for the good and through the bad. I didn’t live those years of singleness, barrenness, city life, etc. simply waiting. I engaged with what was around, again not perfectly, but to the best of my ability. If we were going to be in the city, we would love the people in the city, plant a garden, do everything we could to make the city a place of contentment. If God had us in the city, surely it was for a purpose. And it was, there was and is still fruit coming from the time of ministering to and loving those in the city.

In time, God brought us to our current property, The Refuge (I will include this story in a separate post). It was no small deed to get us here. Within 6 weeks of arriving I was pregnant with our son. 18 months after our son, our promised little girl was on her way. As I sit here and write, I think back to what God spoke to me when coming here and can simply agree that “promises are fulfilled in the promised land.”

Now here’s the kicker—here’s how I can confidently say the grass isn’t greener on the other side—I believe I am on the greenest side right now, and I STILL have to wage war on discontentment! I am in the place that I spent years praying and waiting for, right here, right now. And in this seemingly “perfect” place, in this promised land, “if only,” still whispers. 🤯😒

If only we were younger—we’d have more energy! If only we could get to trimming the apple orchard, had time to replace the deck, had the finances to update the kitchen/bathroom, had older kids so we could sleep, had some kunekune pigs, another dog so Stanley isn’t bored or lonely…if only I could paint all of the trim white…

Stop. Just stop.

You see, what the younger me didn’t see and understand is that each and every thing I desired would be a great blessing—but not without great challenges. Ask any parent if raising kids is easy, or a homesteader if they have “free time.” Even small things like having a flock of chickens comes with difficulties. When the to-do list grows and sleep wanes, it can be easy to think back to a younger couple with a small house, disposable income, no acreage, no kids, less animals and think “oh how easy we had it…” But it wasn’t all easy there either, because back then, we were struggling to engage in our present while looking forward to the promised land.

I have to remind myself sometimes of all that God has done and simply give thanks. I remind myself that no matter what someone presents on social media—their life isn’t perfect. I have to choose to be thankful for all that God has given, because He has given so very much. I choose to gain perspective on my small problems and areas of want by thinking about the big picture. I think about the African orphans I’ve met. I think about how rich we are to be able to choose what’s for dinner, when too many wonder will there be dinner? I think about how grateful I am for my husbands job, and contrast it with friends in other countries who can’t find jobs in their poor economies. I take time to remind myself of the goodness of God towards me, which I haven’t earned or deserved, and from that place, I praise despite the things that aren’t perfect, finished, easy, or ideal. Because the truth is—there will always be something. And the key to conquering that something is by learning to rest in the unfinished with thankfulness and contentment. This is the day that the Lord has made, I WILL rejoice and be glad in it.

“But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. Those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.” 1 Tim 6:6-11

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