The Narrow Way

As I write this, I’m in the midst of an unfortunately familiar tension…one of blessing and responsibility…how fitting that I’m an American and it happens to be the 4th of July…Yesterday we attended my family’s annual 4th of July celebration. Every year we gather, anywhere from 25-60 of us and hang out at a nice house while eating lots of delicious food. Most of us go to enjoy each others company, but I wouldn’t be off in saying that at times we factor in the food too. 😉 My family knows good food, and the abundance and quality at our gatherings could be motivation in itself 🙈😂

As I write this, my stomach is probably still digesting the amount of food I ate yesterday. No joke. And I’m not proud of that, especially not today. Today, I’m firmly convicted of my gluttony. Yet, just yesterday it seemed permissible. How?

This morning while half conscious and checking my phone, I was greeted by an email from a dear friend in Zambia, “Hava.” Our present realities couldn’t be more different. In Zambia (and much of Africa) they are experiencing a 3rd and extremely severe wave of Covid. Their economy has still not recovered from the first round of Covid. Food prices are incredibly high, employment difficult to find. All of this is happening with winter in the backdrop…winter and grief…it’s cold and dark, and death is literally all around. Hava reports that young people are dying at an alarming rate, including many of her family members. Hospitals are “full of sick people and dead bodies.” 😞😭

Hava and her husband just tested positive for Covid. She’s short of breath, while he is doing a little better. Together they have 6 children, 3 biological and 3 they’ve adopted from deceased family. Hava also founded and runs a girls home for 9 abandoned and abused girls.

I first met Hava in 2008. At the time, she was a single woman, a missionary (like myself at the time) from Zambia to the bush in Botswana. I met her after she shared at a conference I attended in Zambia. I was blown away by her testimony of Gods faithfulness as He rescued her more than once from the witch doctors in the village she was ministering in. They had come to kill her, when God intervened. She was so humble and matter of fact as she shared, I couldn’t help but want to befriend her! She was (and continues to be) an inspiration, even if she didn’t see it. She was, and is, the kind of Christian I’d hope to be like when put to the test.

But right now, this woman of courage and faith is afraid. She’s suffering. She’s sick. She’s worried for herself and the children. It’s cold. It’s dark. They’re hungry and struggling to buy and prepare food. And there is no real medical help or hope…but God…Because of who I know Hava to be, it really rocks my boat when I hear she’s afraid and struggling. Not that everyone doesn’t have these moments in their walk with God, I know she’s just human too, but because I’ve esteemed her so highly, it hits me a little more deeply.

This is where I want to change the storyline and report of the miraculous healing, the turn around of a nation, the healed hearts…but I can’t, not yet anyway…

So I find myself humbled. Convicted. Repenting. And quite honestly, shedding tears for both my friend and myself. 🥺😭

My mind is flooded with scriptures about the poor. I try to encourage myself with “what I’ve done for them,” but it’s not enough. I’m thinking about how sometimes I agonize over “what’s for dinner?” And my friend hopes to simply have dinner. Last night I was frustrated by some chronic pains in my body, wondering if they’d fade or if I’d need surgery, again. Hava no doubt has pains, but no option for medical intervention, at least not now.

I’m convicted of my gluttony and selfishness. My discontent while living a life so many in the world could only imagine. To be clear, we are about as middle class as they come. We don’t usually feel like we have abundance, we certainly don’t feel rich. But compared to so much of the world, we are rich, and we know it. And in moments like this, it makes me sick.

I’m not sick because God has blessed us, it’s not a twisted sick where I feel like I have to suffer to be right with God. I know God blesses, and I’m thankful, but I’m sick with my own periods of discontent, selfish desires, and at times my stewardship. I’m sick as I think about how comfortable my life really has been, and why? Because I was born an American? Surely I don’t deserve this, that much I know.

“But woe To you who are rich, for you have received your consolation. Woe to you who are full now, for you shall be hungry. Woe to you laugh now, for you shall morn and weep.” Luke 6:24-25

Although God knows each act of faith in serving and giving, right now it all feels so small and lacking. I WANT to do better, I WANT to give more. I look at what Jesus gave for me, He literally gave everything—He held NOTHING back. He gave to the point of death, crucifying His not only His selfish desires, but His physical flesh. He took on every curse, all lack, and all pain in life to identify with us, and simultaneously purchase freedom for us to do the same. He demonstrated that we can trust Him, and that when we give it all, He will care for us.

²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[e]?²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:25-34

At the beginning of this post, I said there is a tension, and it strikes me now that maybe I’ve not been clear…the tension I’m feeling is between abundance and lack. Grace and accountability. Being blessed, and needing to bless. The tension I’m navigating is not only a feeling of responsibility and accountability, but a repentance for lack of gratitude at times. I feel deep remorse over my own selfishness. I see the goodness of God as He has continued to bless, even when I’ve not always stewarded well.

I briefly shared some of this with a church friend in the parking lot this morning. He tried to bring some comfort, as if I were being too hard on myself, and I appreciate his effort and kind words. However, in this moment, I find myself not wanting comfort. I’ve had so much of it that I am probably toxic. I want to feel this pain. I want to ask the hard questions. And as I pray for Hava and her family to recover and give for their physics needs, I want to be changed. I don’t want to go back to a place of comfort and discontent for more, only to be confronted by the reality of my responsibility as an American Christian again in 6 months🙄😓. I want to embrace the beatitudes and the crosses in my life fully.

3 Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
⁴ Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
⁵ Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
⁶ Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
⁷ Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
⁸ Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
⁹ Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called children of God.
¹⁰ Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 5:3-10

I think this is getting long, so I want to wrap it up. As an American, on this 4th of July, I write this with a recognition of what “blessed” really means. I write this from my comfortable truck, a belly still full from feasting, as my healthy baby sleeps in the back. I sit here with deep gratitude for those who fought for the freedoms I’ve been afforded, and also a gut-felt sense of responsibility to share the many blessings I have with those in need. I am calling to remembrance all that Jesus has done for me, for all of His followers, and refusing to take His generosity lightly. I know not everyone has a friend they can pour out love and abundance on, but this 4th of July week, I pray that you find someone. And that you’re able to take time to reflect on all God had given, because the truth is–especially if you’re an American–you’re extremely blessed. That doesn’t mean our country doesn’t have issues or lack, but as a whole, we are a blessed nation and I believe we are expected to be blessing as a result.

As always, thanks for stopping by. May you use your freedom and abundance to the glory of God all of your days.