The Narrow Way

It’s been about 4-6 weeks since I last blogged….I feel like life just started happening. Perhaps you’ve been there? Through a series of events, I found myself feeling a little desperate, dry, distant, down, a little less able than usual. 😔 It was that sense you get when life just keeps happening all around you and there’s little you can do about it…😕

It started out when we had “the virus” a few weeks ago. Thankfully we were prepared both with knowledge and medications to assist our bodies in fighting through. For our family, it wasn’t that bad as a whole, I had it the worst and really it was only a few days that were significantly harder than the others. On the 3rd day or so, I felt pretty weak. There wasn’t much I could do, which is hard when you have small children who are full of energy. I’m extremely grateful that my husband was able to take off of work to help as it hadn’t hit him much at this point. But as I laid on the couch, unable to do much, I could see how this virus could play tricks on people… Your mind starts to wander when your body is weak… Darkness tries to scare you…”what if…” 😟 After hanging out in that place for a short time, I decided “no,” things were going to turn around shortly, and this would pass. 💪 A familiar verse came to mind “in my weakness, He is strong,” 2 Cor 12:9. I repeated that a few times, acknowledging the weakness of my body and settled the matter in my head–God will raise me up. I turned on some worship music and simply lay. I didn’t even sing, I felt too weak. I just laid there and let the worship music connect my spirit and God’s.

Slowly but surely, as I rested in the Lord and rested with my body, things did turn. No respiratory issues. Nothing lingering. The virus worked its way through my body and that’s that. 🙌

This didn’t happen in a vacuum, however. As I mentioned, I still had energetic kids running around. Life was still happening. I lost most of my childcare for the few times a month I do work. My back was flaring up with chronic pain. Some unexpected financial things popped up. And 2 weeks before this, a friend’s husband had died in an electrical accident. I was deeply entrenched in this situation given the nature of our friendship and circumstances. I can’t go into much detail here, because it’s not my story to share really, but I will say that it was weighing heavily on me. She had asked me to officiate the funeral, something I’ve never done before, but I couldn’t say no. “I can’t,” I thought, but God can….🙏

Meanwhile, my dad, who I’ve mentioned before continues to decline. Dementia is progressive, often with declines and plateaus. One thing is lost or changes and that becomes the new normal. You ride out that wave until the next loss, and so on and so forth. In the midst of this cloud I’ve been working my way out from under, he had one of those moments. More than one really, but at the same time, how do you count them? Every day there is a little loss, it’s just some events seem to stick out more than others, some seem more significant, even though they all matter. And you just watch, helplessly. Unable to do much, or if you can assist, it doesn’t seem enough…😕

I can’t change his situation or my mom’s as his primary caregiver. I can’t change my friend’s situation as a grieving widow. I can’t come up with the right words for a funeral on my own. I couldn’t heal my own body when I was sick or manage my own kids.

But I knew I could lean into God. I also knew I needed a word from Him, a touch to push through the clouds and be ready to bring words of life at the funeral (the funeral was a month after passing due to holidays etc., so this was an underlying theme throughout these trials).

Yet, despite doing the best I could, I was failing. 😞 I felt overwhelmed and under a cloud. I couldn’t seem to shake a foggy brain, which, when you have a strong family history of dementia is it’s own battle. Every mistake, every item forgotten can trigger a fear response “what if it’s starting?” This is something I’ve dealt with in past, but given the recent changes, it reared it’s ugly head again. 🙄😤 I couldn’t shake it and needed some help.

We went to a prayer/worship meeting that we regularly attend on Wednesday nights. For me, it was my best shot at finding God. While there, the Lord ministered to me. He reminded me “I inhabit the praises of my people” Ps 22:3. 🎶 As I forced His name out of my mouth and offered all I had to give in worship, a shift began to happen. By the end of the night I felt led to repent of some wrong thinking and giving into fear (“The Lord has NOT given us a spirit of fear but of power, love, and A SOUND MIND” 2 Tim 1:7). 💪 It’s one thing to be weak and fail, it’s another to wallow in it–weakness is attractive to God, but wallowing almost seems like a repellent.

After I shared, the pastor and others gathered around and prayed for me. There was one woman I had noticed, she was wearing a pink shirt, and I asked the Lord to give her a word for me, I felt I needed it and she may have one…

He did. She did. They all finished building me up, something I needed more than I was aware, and then she pulled me aside. Her words were true and they gave life. Not only that, but we then discussed the funeral and some thoughts I planned to share, she literally said the verse I had hinged half of my message on 1 John 5:13 “These things I write to you that believe in the name of the Son of God that you may KNOW that you have eternal life,” and I felt settled. 👏🙌 God had deposited the words, I just needed to get up and speak them out. 💪

This should be that end, right? Where I go forth in might and strength and hit a home run? But it wasn’t.

The next AM I went to get my puppy to take her outside. She was lame. Her back legs seemed as if they struggled to function. My heart sank. My mind raced with possibilities having had a dog previously with two torn ACLs requiring incredibly expensive surgery… What now? 🥺😖 My mind was overcome and I was on my way to work. I didn’t have time to sit and read or worship, I needed to get going. I can’t. I can’t have a broken puppy….

I messaged some friends to pray. Can I just say if you don’t have godly counsel, you’re going to struggle to finish the race as a believer? Both friends gave me the reality check I needed. “Perspective,” they said. Remember what’s ahead (the funeral), trust God and ask others to pray. And so I did.

This brings me to today, it’s been a long 5 weeks or so. BUT, can I just brag about God for a minute?

The funeral was yesterday. I had been nervous, wanting to walk the line between honor and truth. I knew it wasn’t going to be a majority Christian crowd. I knew I was uncertain of the man’s eternity. BUT GOD.

He moved, my friends. I feel such a weight off of me. I honestly felt almost “out of body” as I delivered the words, because I KNOW they were not mine, and that’s why I feel I can boast–I’m not boasting in my ability, but in my weakness. 💪👏🙌 I didn’t have the stuff leading into this. I was more of a mess than a success. Yet, He moved. I shared a vision I had had in the prayer room shortly after he passed of Jesus entering and picking him up. I was honestly confused because I wasn’t certain if the man ever really believed, I kept wondering if “maybe he prayed as a little boy once…” I shared the Gospel, how we can be saved, as well as the richness and depths of God’s mercy. I stated that I believed I may meet the man in eternity…

Now here’s the cool part…

His former Sunday school teacher was there and testified….”He prayed to receive Jesus as a little boy once…”!!!!!!!! She then came up to me and said “I had the exact same vision as you.” !! 🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌

A family member of his shared her recent struggles with me and about her suicide attempt. We had a good talk. We prayed. She confessed her faith in Jesus. After, she took a deep breath…the weight had shifted…🙌🙌🙌🙌

There were several other extremely encouraging encounters I had with people there, but I don’t feel led to share the details of them right now. ❤️🙌 Suffice it to say, I was blown away! I had intended to leave shortly after speaking and wound up staying most of the evening. Seeds were planted, hope given, and the reality of our need to decide eternity NOW was clear. How people respond to that of course, is up to them.

My message today is really to encourage. I’ve had times in my life that people tell me “how strong” I am or appear. But I’m not. 🤷‍♀️ I know it. I need God. I need people. I just don’t vent my every woe to a broad audience, I’ve not found that to be beneficial.

I want to encourage you–if you feel like you’re in Jan-eternity….if the weight of “life happens” is wearing on you…reach out, first to God, and then to other believers. Receive prayer, allow others to help restore you and intercede on your behalf. Life happens to us all, and sometimes it happens all at once. There’s no shame in that. If you’re reading this, I want you to know that you don’t have to struggle alone, and if you think you have no one–know that you have me, at the very least. 🙂 Message me, email me through the blog, text me, but don’t get stuck “under it” for too long.

There’s a lot in life that we can’t control, can’t change. Thank God for God who is more than able to remove mountains, or provide strength to climb them!

Be blessed my friends. And thank you to each one of you who prayed me through.

As always, thanks for stopping by.

PS–if you’re worried about our puppy, don’t be! Things are already shifting (she’s up and running about thought we are temporarily limiting her activity) and she has an appointment coming up in the meantime. 🙂