The Narrow Way

“Give us this day our daily bread,” Matt 6:11.

How familiar is this verse? 🤔 Even among the un-churched, I imagine it’s been heard….Our daily bread…

Eight weeks ago, this verse didn’t really mean much to me. It was part of the Bible, The Lord’s Prayer, but it wasn’t personal. How quickly life can change!

And no, I’m not hungry and I don’t need bread 😅

I’ve mentioned before that my dad has early onset dementia and that things had been changing. What I didn’t know was how this would change me in the process. Dealing with someone with dementia is difficult to say the least. It’s not that there aren’t moments of good here and there, there are, but as time goes on, the difficulty of daily tasks increase and the rewarding moments decrease.

“Dad, sit down. Siiiittt doowwwnnn.” Pause. Pause. Pause. “Dad, sit here. Put your butt here.” Pats surface. Pause. Pause. He looks around. “Take two steps towards me. One. Yes, that’s it. Two. Ok, now…” He then takes 3 steps forward. “No no. Not forward. Let’s go back.” Three steps back. “Yes, that’s it. One. Two. Three. Ok, now feel this?” Leads hand to arm of chair. Prompts him to see the chair. “Do you see it?” He stands, still, expressionless. No reply. “Ok, let’s sit down. Sit down dad, right here.” Pats surface. Leads hand to chair again. He raises hand back up and steps forward and says something about the dogs. “The dogs are outside dad, don’t worry about the dogs. Now let’s take a step back. Slowly guides him.” This time it was the dogs, sometimes he wants to use the bathroom—again–it’s usually only been a half hour in between trips, and other times it’s something indiscernible. “Do you feel the chair against your legs?” He nods yes. “Do you want to sit down?” “Sure,” he says. “Ok. Let’s sit.” Takes hand and brings it down to the arm of the chair. “Do you feel this? It’s the chair. Let’s sit.” He starts to bend while feeling the chair then pops up. He’s standing again unsure of what to do. We review the steps….again…Re-guide his hand to the arm of the chair. “Do you feel the chair?” “Yes,” he says. “Ok, let’s sit.” Slowly helps lower him (excited mind leaps forward “finally!”). 🙌 “There! You did it. Alright. Now we’re just going to rest a few minutes.” He sits quiet. (Maybe I’ll be able to get something done…Suddenly a mile long list flashes before my eyes 🤔). I sigh a breath of relief. 😌 Ok, we’ve got this. He is motionless, completely still, even closing his eyes it’s been about 10 long seconds…no one speaks….Suddenly his eyes pop open. 👀 He looks around and quickly pushes forward with his arms scooting his butt to the edge of the chair. “No dad, we’re going to rest for a minute.” He leans back again. But something inside isn’t settled. He’s been walking around for HOURS already. Aaaaannnnnnddddd BOOM, he’s up again! 🤦‍♀️ Back to wandering while I observe from a distance. He’s usually ok walking by himself, but if you let him get out of sight for more than about 2 minutes, things happen. And when things happen, the level of difficulty increases because then you need to clean up the mess while continuing to monitor. Looks at clock. (Oh my gosh, how is it 3:00 already? What’s for dinner? How am I going to cook? Wait—dad? Where did he go?) 😱 “Dad? Come on back over here, let’s try this for a while…” Attempts to re-direct….

Did that exhaust you? Put that on repeat in various forms all day every day….that’s what my mom has been living. She’s a saint. 😇 It’s only been the past couple of weeks that I’ve had my share of first hand experience of living daily with dementia. I’m not new to dementia, not by a long shot, dementia patients used to be 75% of my caseload for a few years. I’ve been in and out of facilities and homes supporting staff and loved ones when these kinds of folks wind up on hospice. While I feel like God sometimes gave me words to affirm and encourage these exhausted ones, I never personally felt what they felt 😔. I never knew just how hard it had been for them, how lonely, long, tiring, and frustrating. I often applauded and encouraged them for their *years* of support, but it didn’t erase their exhaustion, undeserved feelings of failure, or feelings of self-hate for wishing their loved one would just die so it could be over…😔

Several weeks before my parents moved in, God had started teaching me how to live day by day, something my mom has been doing for a few years now.

I want to be cautious as I share, because the truth is, I’m not there yet. Eight weeks ago, I lived my life like most of you–I’d put some things on the calendar for the month: work days, appointments, play dates, etc. I’d look in my freezer/fridge and try to conjure up some ideas for dinner for the week (or that evening if I was falling behind). I’d try to make some plans regarding our to-do list, and if I had a moment to daydream, I’d think ahead to spring–garden planting, sheep preparations, dog training, getting the kids out…😊

I remember venting to my good friend at the very beginning of this transition (the living day by day one), which at the time, I was completely unaware of 🙈 I felt desperate for company for myself and the kids, I felt alone and isolated. It seemed no matter what I did, I couldn’t find friends or schedule a play date. People seemed unavailable. I’d reach out, sometimes hear nothing back (busy no doubt). Families would be sick. Timing just didn’t seem to work. I could list all kinds of reasons, but the fact remained, however hard I tried to plan ahead, the calendar was empty. This is a scary thing when you’re stuck inside in the winter with two little active kids…

Eventually, I prayed a simple and often repeated prayer–“Lord help, please provide.”

So many times I’ve found myself anxious about things like this. Looking ahead to the week with fear or dread. I recall sharing with the same friend that I believed I would have to just trust God day to day for something to do, somewhere to go, someone to see.

I was only about 2-3 days into this, when I realized it was happening: God was providing each day, but not in advance. I can’t help but think of the Israelites in the desert. No signs of food, until that morning, they’d go out and collect mana and have enough for that day. Daily bread.

As I went into each day with an empty schedule, I consciously chose to trust God to meet my needs. I shouldn’t be surprised, but I was. People from an hour away who I hadn’t talked to in months began to reach out. 🥲 One morning I thought of my aunt and gave her a call, it just so happened her granddaughter was at her house to play with. Another day two other aunts spontaneously came to visit. That visit was a particularly fun blessing because as I prepped for their arrival, I thought to try to get to the store for some berries, but I ran out of time. In they walked with cartons full of berries, I hadn’t asked, nor had I prayed. ❤️

“…your Father knows what you need before you even ask…” Mat 6:32

I had just begun to settle into this “day by day” kind of life when my puppy, Stella, was lame. I mentioned this before, it’s a long story I’m not going to repeat here. But after resting her with slight improvements, we took her in. The vet was very thorough. She praised our proactive efforts and didn’t have anything to add. Her advice: continue rest, Vit C, limitations, glucosamine, and wait. This is probably pain from rapid growth. We literally could do nothing more except wait and trust God for her daily development.

“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Mat 6:34

I added Stella to my list. I was being forced to trust God daily for fellowship and a healthy dog.

I was thinking recently while caring for my little girl how dependent she is on me for meeting her very basic daily needs. And I realized that this was the place God has been bringing me to. Not by choice, because let’s be honest, we’d rather know some things ahead of time, 😉 but through circumstance.

Having my dad here has not been easy. While I know I could leave my mom with him all day, I see the benefit for her and myself when we trade off. I’m not as alone as I had been, neither are the kids. She takes the kids for 20 minutes to an hour and I take dad. When my husband has a break, if the kids are sleeping, he sometimes takes dad and mom gets to get out and get firewood for 10 minutes while I run to take a break with my dogs and chickens. 10 minutes may be all I get, but it’s a re-set. It’s sufficient. We rotate roles rather seamlessly now, knowing this isn’t going to be forever. Spare minutes have been used to set up in-home caregivers, investigate facilities, and try to make decisions. There aren’t many, or any “free” moments really, unless we give up sleep, which my mom is all too familiar with…🤪

My life has been reduced to a level of simplicity and survival that I’ve not known before.

“My grace is sufficient for you…” 2 Cor 12:9

While there’s a lot I could complain about, and admittedly I have–I really have! 🙈 I’ve had moments I’m ashamed of “Venting” for what felt like my lack, but was really my fear…Speaking out of anger….Falling into doubt and despair…Not trusting God….I could go on, but my point is–there’s been opportunity and provision all along the way. People have brought meals, (something I didn’t think we needed but really did)…they’ve come over to hang out and helped play the “trade off game” (you have no idea how much an extra set of adult hands helps in our house right now). They’ve even given money to help us remodel a bathroom that supports dad’s needs. My immediate family has pulled together in a way I’ve not known. We’ve had moments of clarity with dad, moments where he’s his old joking self, moments where he’s looked at grandkids and cried. 🥺 There’s been friends who have come and painted or played play dough with me, Josh, the kids, mom and dad. I could go on….🙌

I could take this so many directions right now, but I feel like the most important message I could share it this:

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” Prov 3:5-6

Trusting is an active thing, it’s a choice we make when circumstances of impossibility and an overwhelming nature confront us. We choose trust, that’s our faith in action. 💪

God promises to give us our DAILY bread…our daily provision. He doesn’t promise to give it in advance. As we’ve walked through these long days, we’ve all said “well, we’ve made it through today,” and then had a laugh 😅 What else can we do? The Lord is with us, He is for us, He has sent provision both now and ahead of time. Speaking of, can I just add this: we fenced in our property before winter. We really worked hard and rushed to get it done for the safety of the dogs and in preparation for getting sheep. Do you understand how valuable this fencing is now that we have a wanderer on property? God knew! He provided in advance. 🙌

For most of us, we avoid living day by day because it’s HARD. It’s not preferred. We like to plan, we like to see what’s coming, but children don’t plan. They don’t see what’s coming. They trust their parents and take things as they come. While this has not been easy, I wouldn’t trade it. It’s refining.

I pray no matter your circumstance, that you’re able to lean into the Lord, find His provision in whatever you’re going through. You may twitch a bit, but if you give it time and continue to reach out to Him, He will show Himself, He will be faithful.

As always, thanks for stopping by.